Like a blender, for the very first time...

Last night I lay quietly on my side {as any other position these days are too, eh, complicated - man I miss my stomach lounge position} and pondered as my husband lay near me watching "Deadliest Catch" - a favorite {you just have to love those crude crab fishermen and their wholesome lifestyles - hot}. After a while he wrapped his big husbandly arms around me and asked if I was okay - {apparently I wasn't making enough noise or cheering on the good ship "Time Bandit" and their blessed pot of crab with it's over 100 count} - I am sure I responded with a shall we say

weepy and distressed

"I don't know - I feel like a blender".

{yes, a blender - chop me up and spit me out, or pour, or how every you empty your blended goods...}

Let me explain:

We (the Mr. and I) have been married/dating/an 'item' for four years. Marriage is not easy {if you say it is, you are sooo in some serious denial} but I truly have found my best friend and we have so much fun. We laugh everyday, and sometimes we cry {a good healthy man cry for him, and a weepy cry for hormonal me}. Lately I have felt as if the relationship that we have formed, the 'bond' if you will, is going to change - and I am open to change, it's just, what kind of change are we talking about here. It's really just been the two of us, with a summer visitor and an occasional Christmas guest {Alex}. I guess having Alex in our lives has helped the transition, as we do have to step into mom and dad role every summer... but still. I guess what I am trying to say is - those road trips, long talks and quiet times will be missed. Sorry to get serious on you folks, but I need to pull out my 90's lyrics card and use my soul sister Mariah to help me say what I want to say:

"you'll always be a part of me, I'm a part of you indefinitely

boy don't you know you can't escape me,

ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby"

{keep singing, you know you want to...}

Throw in the ice, Lot's of ice.

I am a very independent individual. Ask anyone. I have a hard time asking for help, or even wanting help. It's a stubborn-wicked tendency that I have. I know that I will be a good mom, but holy hell (that's for you Mary Davis - you married girl you), thinking about the responsibilities I have to my little boy forever, and ever, and ever, it just seems to take the wind right out of me. Flat on my back it seems... flat on my back

{and remember, I am partial to my side right now}.
Throw bananas into the blender.

For nine months now, I have cared for and loved this little man through just a layer of skin and other such bodily borders that separate us. I have exercised for him, eaten for him {quite healthily I might say} and basically cared for and loved him through this experience. I have to be honest. I love being pregnant. I love feeling his little foot or elbow run across my belly and watching him move with great awe and wonder. I love feeling him hiccup, or give someone a swift kick when they bug him through said bordering wall separating us. I love seeing his little thumb in his mouth on the ultrasound, or hearing them announce that he has a full head of hair on his grande head - again through said border. I just love being pregnant.

Strawberries anyone? Throw them in!

Life is hard. Really really hard. It is difficult to think of bringing this little spirit to such a difficult and even dark-sinister {I have always wanted to use that word} world. I know that this time and this life is for us to be able to prove ourselves. Yet, as a parent, I think {no, I know - who am I kidding} the hardest aspect to parenting will be allowing hardships, trial and even sin to enter into the life of my child. He is so well protected where he is. I just feel like I am a good body guard, and why give up the job, when you are so good at it, right? Wrong Momma Jen, Wrong. He just needs a chance to spread his earthly wings {arms} and fly, and as his momma,

it's going to be hard to let that happen.

Virgin Pina Coloda Mix -

dance your way into my blender...

.

So there you have it.

My {hopefully} proverbial smoothie.

Wish me luck on the blending.

{I am sure it will taste just fine, and the results will be greatly loved and adored,

and possibly made again for future enjoyment}

.

p.s. thanks for all the Dr. recommendations. I am indeed grateful.